First off, I do not put my faith in 'fate', rather in God. Only he knows the masterpiece that is my life, I am but a fly walking across that work of art. I do not see the picture in it's entirety, I see only shades, light patches and dark.
I am currently walking across a rather dark patch right now and it hurts. Financially my husband and I are struggling. I have stopped working at Timmie's due to injury. My husbands wages are such that the government gets more out of his cheque than he does and quite frankly it is killing us.
I know that money woe's are an everyday complaint most of us hear and nod absently that we understand, but in truth I don't believe many do. Living below the poverty line is a demeaning way to live.
The government doesn't really want to deal with you because you can't offer them anything substantial, yet they are bound to show compassion if only to save face with their constituents. Very similar to finding a wounded animal. It's injuries severe enough that something must be done for it in order for it to survive, so one will typically do one of two things (if they have a beating heart within their chests) Transport said animal to the nearest vet and leave it in their capable hands or two try to mend the poor thing on their own. Either way the animal stands a decent chance at survival to it's barest minimum. But very few follow up with that animal. What happens once it's well fed and it's physical wounds are healed? It either gets adopted (if it's cute and strums the heartstrings of a special person) or more often than not, gets left in an equally debilitating scenario and is abandoned in a shelter. No kill shelter I mean....lets be humane here.
As with that wounded animal, so are the general populous of poverty. We are helped back to our feet with the scraps the government slides off its table and made to live in communities they dare not step into (unless its election time) fearing their personal safety.
They group us into these communities based on our earnings?? and are even kind enough to let us choose which particular 'gig' town we get to reside in. ( that is, if there's a vacantcy, otherwise you take whatever they have left)
Poverty communities have by far the highest crime rates, the collection of criminal orientated persons residing in these communities rival that of state prisons, only at least prisons have guards to maintain order!
Because poverty demeans and belittles a persons integrity, most lose their faith in whats good and proper and just, and begin to simply survive. They steal because they can't afford to purchase their food or diapers for their babies, they prostitute because the monies that the government gives them barely covers the cost of rent, let alone food and they must provide for their own. They lie and cheat and manipulate the system so they can scrounge a few extra pennies to attempt to feel normal with the purchase of something new, rather than what they normally find in the back lanes and dumpsters that becomes their equity. They do illegal acts because they feel justified in doing so, they abuse substances in an attempt to forget or numb their pain and suffering in the face of their own exsistance.
Now do not get me wrong, there are many who live within these communities that are like lions within the herd of fat sheep. They are predators, usually second or third generation poverty, those who develop the taste for it rather than the actual 'need'. But to get back on topic.
I have lived where my blanket in winter was the undercarriage of a strangers vehicle, where the bus shack was your hotel for the evening because it had heat you didn't have to have money to get. I have lived where you stand around a food court in the mall and wait patiently until that family finishes their meal so that you can go eat whatever is left as good people stare down their noses at you for doing so because you are too hungry to remember what pride is. I have been behind the dumpsters, crouching in filth as you search for something, anything that is going to keep you warm enough to survive the night because the windchill factor is killing you. I have lived in those worn out shoes and am happy to say I no longer do, I'm about one step up from that.
I live in a gig town, the projects, the ghetto, the dark side of humanities best kept secrets! I am educated, articulate and relatively healthy, I am willing and able to work and I believe myself to be worthy of respect. I grew up in a house, was fed and clothed daily, went to school and moved out on my own at 16 because I thought I knew more about the world than my parents. (fear not I apologize to them almost daily now) Similarly my husband never suffered for anything growing up, always had new things, and with the added benefit of having parents that were extreme in their materialism, usually had brand name everything and the kind of home you'd see in fancy magazines; so what happened? What went horribly wrong? Was it our up bringing that did this? No. We simply made ignorant choices with our money and put our faith in human decency foolishly. We were sold a sucker of a home that should have been torn down but we didn't know any better. I became extremely ill which forced added pressure to the finances and we had four children to feed, clothes and transport to and from everywhere. Needless to say we just could not keep up with the demands of this house and it broke us. Both financially and emotionally. We ended up taking what we could get. (the wounded animal being nursed back to health syndrome)
We have since then been stuck here roughly 7 years. The cruelest part about being in poverty, is that no one with money wants you to get back out of it! They say they do, but in truth it is similar to a bully holding the treasured item high above the victims head. "You can have it back, jump bunny rabbit" Despite his pride, he jumps, and jumps again to get that treasure back,while the onlookers laugh and point at how stupid you are rather than how cruel the bully is. They tell us 'there are plenty of jobs out there' yet when we finally get one, they take with both hands all of it back. With one hand they pilfer your wage with taxes, with the other they deduct almost, if not all you made off of what their meager financial aid is for you. Their truly is no financial benefit to being employed in these communities because you are financially punished for it severely. They increase your rent to ridiculous amounts, they decrease their financial aid to make it harder for you to pay them their dues, they make ludicrous demands of your time and effort by placing conditions on you to continue to seek employment or get tossed out of the only home you have, refuse you comforts of normalcy like a family pet to love a protect you. They do not enforce any rules they have in place for your gig town, yet will come down on you if your late with a hydro payment! There is no protection for those who live in these towns, like myself, who have chosen not to be criminal or commit crimes to survive. (Yes there are very good people in these towns, you just never hear about them because you're bombarded with all the new coverage about the latest murder in our back yards) So I say to you, mush on. As a good hearted person, an optimist (or fool take your pick) and a firm believer in Christ and his teachings I have an obligation to not only myself and my husband, but to my children to maintain this smile, to keep my chin up and shoulders squared. It is a far more dignified sense of survival... but alas, it is still only surviving.
One day, and it will come... I will stop surviving and start living comfortably.... one day. Sadly that is not today.