Being Fat ain't easy!!

I am fat. I say that not as an insult to my person, or an exaggeration, rather a statement of fact. I am technically obese, being 40lbs plus over my recommended weight for my height. It blows monkey chunks considerably.
I would love to blame many things that brought me here, the endless medications the doctors shoved down my throat for nine years, the near divorce I faced twice, the CPTSD I suffer from... but no. I did this to me. I own the blame. It is not easy being fat when you know, KNOW that inside, under that blubber is a beautiful woman struggling to breath under the weight of my sin, for lack of a better term.
I chose to be lazy, I chose to give into the fast food cravings, the chocolate and ice creams, the heavy carbs and starchy goodness. I enjoyed getting here. I just hate being here!!!
I have endeavored to regain my health in this, my later years. Not out of vanity, or even neccessaty, rather out of love. I love playing with my children, I love walking with my husband, breathing fresh crisp air and frolicking in the grass like a hippy on acid! I love living life like I'm twenty years old again. (Not the partying, boozing, being homeless and completely irresponsible part either)
But you see, I rarely do any of those things because I pant, and sweat, and clutch my chest in agony like an eighty year old having 'the big one' because these added pounds are hindering the lifestyle I now want! I miss having a life!
I know that obesity has crippled my confidence so such a degree that I avoid mirrors because I can't even stand my own reflection. I work out in private because to be seen in public all sweaty and disfigured with fat makes me weep openly with shame. I know that the people who love me do not judge me or my size, the love they have is unconditional. They support me in any endeavor I choose to go to. It's me who hates me. It's me who judges myself.
Some people who are obese, are quite comfortable in their skin and love themselves greatly, have great self confidence and are even quite attractive. I envy these people, not because of their size, but because they have an uncanny ability to deny themselves the obvious. Nobody can be of healthy mind, and still be happy with being large... nobody!
I say this not as a judgement, but as a simple state of fact. Most obese people are not that way because they chose to be. (although some are, as a means of hiding some form of self loathing or another) Nay, most are obese because of a lifetime or extended event in their lives that has caused them to make unhealthy choices. The ones who fall into the 'it's glandular' or 'genetic' categories are in denial. I say this again, not as a judgement, but a fact.
People with such disorders like diabetes type 2( a self inflicted disease by the way) or hypoglycemia have had overwhelming success with diet and exercise programs, doctor monitored eating plans etc. In short, it took a lifestyle to get us there, and will take a lifestyle change to change it.
None of us got fat over night, none of us suddenly appeared obese, it was a gradual thing that happened over time. Now I am taking back those years of self mutilation and trying desperately to live as long as I can in a healthy way.
To those obese people out there who do love themselves, bravo! You are far more secure in your self confidence than I am, but being well adjusted and happy are two very different things. Having self confidence does not mean being happy. I will give you an example of what I mean.
My brother is an accomplished guitarist, a youth pastor, a scholar, has taught himself both Greek and Latin, has completed many years old schooling, has an extensive IQ that could rival Albert Einsteins with ease, and has an uncanny knowledge of anything electronic.... for starters. He is quite secure in his faith, secure in his studies, and is one of the best examples of fatherhood I could imagine. Yet for himself, despite all his accomplishments, and all his knowledge and self confidence, at no time would he ever say this is all I want in life, I am happy just where I am. Not at all! Because somewhere inside him, there is a thirst for more. More knowledge, how to improve etc. To be precise, He would never be happy to just settle for what he has because he knows he could do more with his life to benefit himself and others.
This is the context of what I mean when I say that nobody who is obese could possibly be happy. We all have it in us to be better than we are presently.
Some of us, like my brother for example, are most goal orientated while others, like myself hardly know where to begin. But we all, fat or thin, tall or short, white or colored, want more out of life than just this stagnant going nowhereness that we all sometimes face.
So, in closing, I am fat, yes. But I intend to do something about it, I have begun my journey back to health and am honest in the admission that what I appear to be is NOT the beautiful woman I know I am.... yet, but sooner rather than later she will emerge again, and like a butterfly fighting it's way out that confining cacoon, I will emerge the victor, and far more glorious and stunning than when I went into it!!